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17 
No worries, mate.
There is no winter in New Zealand, apparently. To admit otherwise, is to admit that this is not the tropical paradise our forebears anticipated when they emigrated here, which conflicts sharply with the Kiwi need for constant, positive reassurance, and is deeply unpatriotic. And probably a little racist.
No, there is definitely no winter here. Why else would New Zealanders live in such airy, uninsulated homes? Or wear jandals to work all year round?
Even if there was a winter (which there isn’t), the pioneering, “she’ll be right”, Kiwi spirit would frown upon any attempts to cope with cold weather using traditional, proven methods (warm clothes, insulation/heating, moving to Spain or Florida) as the actions of “a bloody sheila”, preferring rather to deal with the situation by simply learning to “get hard”, and “pulling your bloody socks up”. Even if said socks were made of polyester, full of holes and covered in ice.
Winter in New Zealand is the white elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about. That gay incident your grandfather had in WWII. The cousin, or second cousin, on the sex offenders register. Or, that old lady you knocked over, as a teenager, driving home drunk, when didn’t stop check if she was OK or turn yourself in, but got away with it anyway.
All of which helps to explain why;
- The rates of winter mortality in NZ are among the highest in the developed world – higher than much colder places such as Russia, Scandinavia, or Great Britain.
- You can still buy LPG heaters, which produce more carbon monoxide and water than heat, and have been banned in every other country.
- The term ‘Central Heating’ basically means shivering in the ‘centre’ of your bed with a hot water bottle and the electric blanket on full.
- Approximately 120% of houses built after 1995 – which were designed with flat roofs, flush windows, and monocladding for dry, Tuscan climates – are all rotted and falling down.
- I am freezing while I write this. Which is surprising, considering that it is clearly NOT winter.
Interestingly the United Kingdom is, by contrast, the direct opposite to New Zealand in this regard, choosing to exist instead a state of permanent winter. So convinced are the British that it never really gets above 10 degrees, that every summer, when temperatures reach what can best be described as ‘normal summer temperature’, it is immediately, and widely, referred to as a ‘heat wave’. Unprepared, the entire system grinds to a halt. Shops overheat, passengers collapse on the tube from heat exhaustion, and everybody goes out drinking, heavily, in the exposed sunshine, gets 2nd degree sunburn and takes the week off.
It should be noted that a handful of people in New Zealand do appear to acknowledge some degree of winter, although generally speaking, they are unlikely to fully commit to the season, preferring to leave one foot in each camp, just in case. This results in a fashion trend, unique to New Zealand, which can be best described as Half & Half. Half winter / Half summer. Classic examples of which include;
- Swandri and Shorts (stubbies, preferrably).
- Puffer Jacket and Shorts (board or cargo)
- Jumper, Jeans and Jandals.
- T-Shirt and Scarf.
- T-Shirt and Beanie.
- Barefeet and Anything, at Anytime in Anyplace.
By attempting to cater to the demands of both seasons at once, this look, remarkably, manages to achieve neither. Leaving you feeling both hot and cold at the same time. And stupid-looking, of course.
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The Brits are convinced that pretty much every weather pattern colder or warmer than damp and chilly with occasional drizzle is some kind of harsh extreme. There’s the eagerness to describe normal summer temps as a heatwave, as you say, but anything colder than hovering around zero with perhaps a little frost (a cold wind, for example) gets termed ‘Arctic conditions’ by the weater forecasters.
Yes. And every winter when the temperature goes 1 degree below zero, Britain shuts down. The airports and roads close, the railways freeze over, and everybody goes to the pub for a good old whinge.
Meanwhile, in Scandinavia and Russia, they sweep the streets a few times, throw down some grit, and it’s business as usual.
Take it from someone who insulates buildings for a living: Forget the walls. For now.
Insulate the attic. Not with the Pink Panther, the blown stuff. Don’t forget to plug the air leaks through the bypasses. Then line the dirt under the floors (unless its a concrete slab foundation) with 6mil or better plastic. Don’t cheat with the non UV protected. I know, its “dark”, but its amazing how LITTLE UV will destroy plastic sheeting! You have now dramatically reduced the humidity in that house and the same temperature will FEEL warmer. Also if you put cellular shades on the inside of the windows … Google “Mean Radiant Temperature human comfort” to see what I’m talking about. Oh, and the mold.
This is so true. I am sitting here in Tauranga, typing this message on a rather gloomy winter (oops) day, with the doors and windows open and rain pissing down just inches from my elbows, accompanied of course, by a very seasonable southerly. Still, while looking at the tropical-looking native vegetation surrounding my house, I am trying to convince myself that the snot running out of my nose and onto my light jersey is, in fact, sweat. You gotta love the tropics.
I just thought they bred them tough in NZ! I didn’t realise there was a nation-wide denial going on. The other day I saw a man riding a bike in the rain when it was 3 degrees in just a t-shirt and shorts. And no shoes. Amazing!
So true! I cant belive the lack of heating/insulation in houses in nz. After moving here from England 3 years ago, I just can’t belive how cold everywhere is! Saying that, when I went back to England, I was wearing a singlet all the time because I was so warm!
Well I must take exception to this. Without winter, where would our substandard snow-tourism be? What about the once per century curling held somewhere in butt-f**k central South Island? Of course, we forget winter signals the beginning of the ultimate kiwi male pastime: whining about the All Blacks’ inability to win the rugby world cup.
Come ski our beautiful mountains, quickly, before they blow up again.
Nothing wrong with buttf@#king, is there? The only thing that depresses me about winters here, is how the bloody Poms made this country look like England.
Am I the only non-kiwi reading this?
I am in fact from Italy and I seriously thought about applying for your renowed working holiday visa program this winter… which would be your “tropical” summer.
I have to admit reading these hilarious posts is starting to make me change my mind
Actually, the summer in New Zealand is pretty good.
In fact, it’s probably the main reason anyone still lives here.
Obviously the wine helps too.
Nah, don’t let the satire and the biching turn you off. Every country has its pros and cons.
I bet you and your countrymen could easily lampoon things in your beautiful country. Such as the Paparazzi, the Milan facelift gauche, the street rubbish in Napoli, the BS politicians like Berlusconi, the organised crime, the calcio craze, the vigilantes.
But can you think of a better place than Italy to spend a holiday? or a working holiday? I can’t. I think Italy is the one nation everyone should visit at least once in their life.
By all accounts NZ is a great place for a working holiday. Don’t let the winter denial and other strange kiwi quirks put you off.
Just be aware NZ gets good summers but it ain’t a sunny hot tropical country with 9 months of ood weather like South Africa or Australia. It’s got a climate more like Uruguay or Argentina.
***it ain’t a sunny hot tropical country with 9 months of good weather like South Africa..***
But then again, there’s not a lot of carjacking, random murder, or barely concealed racism.
Ok, maybe there’s a little of the last one, but we pretend there isn’t. We pretend hard.
I am from Italy too
Mate, depends where you go. Our summers are scorching hot and even an Italian like you would get toasted in summer. And depending on your destinations, our winters really aren’t that bad. If you live in Northland or Auckland. Maybe.
This, however, is a real shit winter, everyone agrees. The worst I’ve seen.
You’re 100% right (and as usual funny).
I can’t explain where this denial of winter comes from. I don’t know if it’s because the false information that NZ is a hot country like Australia instead of a temperate country with a proper winter is ingrained and we don’t know any better or if it’s something people hold in emotional denial. Maybe they just copied Australia [shrugs shoulders]…
But whatever it is, it’s high time people faced reality. NZ is a temperate country with a proper cold winter. It is NOT a tropical paradise holiday resort blah blah with great sunny weather and it never has been. It get’s a pretty good weather for 3-5 months, a cold winter and bland weather for the remainder.
And I thought I was a pussy shivering at the bus stop with my heavy jacket with fur, my scarf and beanie and my hands in my pockets.
And those kids going to school with their uniform made by short pants still? I think if the United Nations saw that minors are forced to wear shorts in winter they would fine the country for crime against the humanity.