No worries, mate.

No worries, mate.

There is no winter in New Zealand, apparently. To admit otherwise, is to admit that this is not the tropical paradise our forebears anticipated when they emigrated here, which conflicts sharply with the Kiwi need for constant, positive reassurance, and is deeply unpatriotic. And probably a little racist.

No, there is definitely no winter here. Why else would New Zealanders live in such airy, uninsulated homes? Or wear jandals to work all year round?

Even if there was a winter (which there isn’t), the pioneering, “she’ll be right”, Kiwi spirit would frown upon any attempts to cope with cold weather using  traditional, proven methods (warm clothes, insulation/heating, moving to Spain or Florida) as the actions of “a bloody sheila”, preferring rather to deal with the situation by simply learning to “get hard”, and “pulling your bloody socks up”. Even if said socks were made of polyester, full of holes and covered in ice.

Winter in New Zealand is the white elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about. That gay incident your grandfather had in WWII. The cousin, or second cousin, on the sex offenders register. Or, that old lady you knocked over, as a teenager, driving home drunk, when didn’t stop check if she was OK or turn yourself in, but got away with it anyway.

All of which helps to explain why;

  • The rates of winter mortality in NZ are among the highest in the developed world - higher than much colder places such as Russia, Scandinavia, or Great Britain.
  • You can still buy LPG heaters, which produce more carbon monoxide and water than heat, and have been banned in every other country.
  • The term ‘Central Heating’ basically means shivering in the ‘centre’ of your bed with a hot water bottle and the electric blanket on full.
  • Approximately 120% of houses built after 1995 - which were designed with flat roofs, flush windows, and monocladding for dry, Tuscan climates - are all rotted and falling down.
  • I am freezing while I write this. Which is surprising, considering that it is clearly NOT winter.

Interestingly the United Kingdom is, by contrast, the direct opposite to New Zealand in this regard, choosing to exist instead a state of permanent winter. So convinced are the British that it never really gets above 10 degrees,  that every summer, when temperatures reach what can best be described as ‘normal summer temperature’, it is immediately, and widely, referred to as a ‘heat wave’. Unprepared, the entire system grinds to a halt. Shops overheat, passengers collapse on the tube from heat exhaustion, and everybody goes out drinking, heavily, in the exposed sunshine, gets 2nd degree sunburn and takes the week off.

It should be noted that a handful of people in New Zealand do appear to acknowledge some degree of winter, although generally speaking, they are unlikely to fully commit to the season, preferring to leave one foot in each camp, just in case. This results in a fashion trend, unique to New Zealand, which can be best described as Half & Half. Half winter / Half summer. Classic examples of which include;

  • Swandri and Shorts (stubbies, preferrably).
  • Puffer Jacket and Shorts (board or cargo)
  • Jumper, Jeans and Jandals.
  • T-Shirt and Scarf.
  • T-Shirt and Beanie.
  • Barefeet and Anything, at Anytime in Anyplace.

By attempting to cater to the demands of both seasons at once, this look, remarkably, manages to achieve neither. Leaving you feeling both hot and cold at the same time. And stupid-looking, of course.

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