Please hold, I have someone on the other line.
You thought the world had stopped using land-line telephones years ago, right? You were wrong.
Like retired English couples, and migratory Godwits - it turns out they all just came to New Zealand to die.
(3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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"I told you it was undercooked.."
New Zealand is situated on the Asia-Pacific Rim and, by drawing on it’s geographical and historical culinary influences, has adopted a unique style of fusion dining, fashionably known as ‘Asian Rimming’.
And by far and away the most popular of all the Asian Rim foods, since it’s introduction in the 80s, is Sushi. Read more…
Sorry mate, you can't park there.
New Zealand Crown Law1 permits only one mode of fundraising for charityb. To collect money for, say, a new Surf Lifesaving clubhouse, or indoor toilets at a local primary school, organisations must set up a barbecue at a busy Saturday shopping location and sell fried meaty logs to an unsuspecting public.
Colloquially, this is known as a Sausage Sizzle.
Recent protests over poor quality sign writing.
So fond are the Kiwis of exercising their right to protest that, only yesterday, New Zealand became the first democracy in the world to stage a march for, well.. democracy itself.
But then it was always going to be a long, hard road, the struggle for freedom and democracy, in a country that is already quite free and democratic, thank you very much.
Doctor models new hat for short people. Still has to stand up to be noticed.
Few moments in New Zealand life are more uncomfortable, than the arrival of the bill at the end of a group meal.
Kiwis are inherently programmed to try to make everything in life as ‘fair’ as possible. So the thought of simply dividing the tab, evenly, by the number of people present, fills the average Kiwi with the sort of confusion and terror normally reserved for an All Blacks v France Rugby World Cup match.
Which makes squaring up the tab in New Zealand, one of the most difficult, most convoluted group agreements to reach, since the David Bain jury. Both of them.
Read more…
If bread had a gender, Vogel's would be a real man.
Vogel’s Bread is a Kiwi enigma. Part bread, part muesli, and part vegetarian meatloaf.
Abandoned on a desert island with but one choice of food, most New Zealanders could survive for years, quite happily, on nothing more than Marmite on generously buttered Vogel’s toast.
France exacts it's revenge on doves and rainbows
Hating the French has become so easy, so popular worldwide, it’s almost an Olympic sport. After all, what have they really contributed to civilisation? The White Flag, and women with hairy armpits? Cheers, mate.
But New Zealand, rather unusually for an such an unassuming pair of islands on the opposite side of the planet, has had it’s own unique, and particularly troubled history with the land of stripey-shirted, garlic-around-the-neck, pontificating troubadours.
A graph demonstrating actual house science
New Zealanders fall into one (occasionally two) of following three states of being; “Thinking about buying a house”, “Buying (then paying off) a house”, or “Trying the sell a house”. Anybody who doesn’t identify with at least one of these categories is probably either an asylum seeker, or a tourist.
In New Zealand, getting around in bare feet is considered cool - in a sort of sexy-Jesus meets pro-surfer way. It demonstrates how laid back, Eco, and generally unconcerned by commercialism or …
Read more...For a country whose primary export is Tourism, New Zealand sure has some clever ways to stop people getting in.
Of course, if there is an irony to New Zealand’s obsession with border …
For all the mace & ceremonial robes, the many portraits of ‘Her Majesty’, New Zealand parliament is one rickety step above a kangaroo court (no pun at the expense of our preternaturally …
Read more...New Zealand takes pride in being ‘the world’s guniea pig’. A micro-society, allegedly employed by the large (inverted commas) Corporations and/or Governments of the world to beta test new technologies, or political …
Read more...The three cornerstones of all Kiwi conversation. In parts of New Zealand, it is possible to have an entire dialogue with just these three, short, phrases.
Read more...The shelf life of a B-List celebrity anywhere is usually short lived. In New Zealand, that shelf is more of a skirting board, precariously propping up the VIP-guest-list and shopping-mall-opening dreams of …
Read more...Forged at the coal face of colonial adventure, gold-rush comradery, and manual farm labour, New Zealand expects high standards of masculinity from it’s men. Unfortunately, these same standards also apply to it’s …
Read more...There is no winter in New Zealand, apparently. To admit otherwise, is to admit that this is not the tropical paradise our forebears anticipated when they emigrated here, which conflicts sharply with …
Read more...Nobody eats more ketchup than the Kiwis. It’s true. And not just ‘per capita‘ either, for real.
Whether it’s a result of growing up being spoon fed sentimental pap by Watties’ TV commercials, …
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, known as Browns Bay, a pact was signed with the devil, or, at the very least, someone who looked a lot like …
Read more...Located in an out-of-season timezone, with a population less than most other nations’ statistical margin of error, it’s a wonder the factories of China sell New Zealand any clothes at all. Lacking …
Read more...Kiwis love a bargain. They love a bargain so much, that even the meagre 20 cent price to list an item on eBay seemed like a ‘bloody rip off’. So they invented …
Read more...If New Zealand network news was dumbed-down any further, the Medical Council could name a retardation after it. The 5 minutes out of the nightly news hour that isn’t padded out by …
Read more...Kiwis are by their very nature imbued with a pioneering spirit of self-reliance, hard work, and the desire to achieve a better life for one’s self and family.
And only when, after years …
Clean, Green, 100% Pure New Zealand. Our tourism billboards and food export packaging are awash with helpful information reminding the rest of the world how Eco, sustainable, environmentally-friendly, and downright nice …
Read more...Auckland. City of JAFAs (which we are reliably informed stands for ‘Joy! Another friendly Aucklander!’). A temperate climate, plenty of nice beaches, 2 harbours, and just enough going on to feel like …
Read more...Per Capita, New Zealand is officially one of the fittest countries in the world. But Kiwis don’t just like to exercise. Oh, no. They like to be ‘competition-ready’.
Read more...New Zealand has a great many beautifully preserved character buildings and colonial villas. Ideal locations, in other words, in which to turn a fast profit by demolishing, sub-dividing and replacing them with …
Read more...Most countries in the world like coffee. But only New Zealand actually wants to marry it.
Formerly a nation of PG Tips and Nescafe drinkers, around the late 1980s to early 90s, Kiwis …
The number of Kiwis who really make an impression on the world’s stage, in any given generation, can usually be counted on one hand. And yet, as a nation, we are so …
Read more...Kiwis are really, really good at a small range of minority sports. So good, in fact, that the weight of the entire nation’s expectation rests on the hope that these sports might …
Read more...Kiwis love being told what to do. And then doing the exact opposite.
In a, perhaps ironic, counterbalance to all the hours of Cheap TV Adverts on New Zealand television, the government happily …
A recent addition to the bar menus of most New Zealand cities, it seems Kiwis have gone a bit mental for small plates of food that don’t quite fill you up, but …
Read more...Georgie Pie - New Zealand’s own answer to McDonalds, featuring meat pies instead of burgers - began life in the 70s. But in the early 1990s, a ‘perfect storm’ of events significantly …
Read more...Soul Patches (aka ‘Clit Ticklers’), Goatees & Lamb-chop Sideburns - or any other combination of facial hair that wouldn’t look out of place on a sound-engineer mixing an ‘Alice in Chains’ song, …
Read more...With the exception of New Years Day on the Millennium, and the climbing of Mount Everest, New Zealand has never really been the first at anything. In fact, it’s unlikely we’ve ever …
Read more...Nothing happens in New Zealand. Ever.
And yet, against all better judgement, both TV networks feel compelled to provide a full hour of news coverage every evening. And how do they pad out …
No nation on earth likes a spot of reckless driving quite like the Kiwis. For a relatively roomy, 1st world country of only 4 million, New Zealand suffers road-rage, gridlock, tail-gating, poor …
Read more...New Zealand has never quite recovered from the Bob Marley concert at Western Springs, Auckland, in 1979.
Consequently, nothing sets the tone for a kiwi dinner-party or summer BBQ quite like a the …
Aotearoa. The ‘Land of the Long Flat Vowel’. Universally famous for our monotone, deadpan accent. Flat, front-of-the-mouth mangling of syllables, consonants, and the dropping of the letter ‘R’ at the end of …
Read more...As an expression of Kiwi individuality and identity, there’s nothing better than copying other Kiwis and scarring your arms, torso, ankle or (for the real hard-outs) neck and face with a ‘sort-of-pacific‘ …
Read more...According to Māori mythology, Taniwha are supernatural creatures - some terrifying, others protective - that live in deep pools in rivers, dark caves, or in the sea. Apparently, they also have views …
Read more...Small to medium sized Kiwi businesses just can’t seem to get enough of badly produced, low-rent TV commercials featuring themselves, their staff, or an immediate family member. And while she might be …
Read more...Nothing informs the world of wearer’s modest Kiwi patriotism better than a printed T-Shirt with words or images cleverly rearranged into the shape of New Zealand. Ironic, then, that 99% of these …
Read more...Irony has often been a bit of a struggle for Kiwis. We have a hard time making fun of ourselves. About the only thing more unbearable, is when other people make fun …
Read more...Few phrases, uttered by respected international media pundits, excite Kiwis more than; “This will really put New Zealand on the map…”
Long hiding in the geographical and cultural shadow of Australia (the 1980s, …
Nobody actually eats Hokey Pokey Ice Cream, and they certainly don’t buy it from a Four Square. Watties’ Tomato Sauce tastes like bubble gum, and comes from Australia anyway. The Buzzee Bee …
Read more...Closely linked with ‘Taking Ourselves Seriously‘, a trait unique to the Kiwi psyche is the need for constant, positive reinforcement about just how great a country it is. This is probably because, …
Read more...Kiwi’s just can’t get enough of New Zealand. They love it. So long as they don’t have to live there.
Our favorite destination to leave to, and never return, is Australia. This suits …
Modest to the point of peity, Kiwis consider it a sin to ’stand out’ too much, be it in fashion, opinions, or lifestyle. And nothing blends into the background better than the …
Read more...Kiwis are a pretty adventurous bunch when it comes to weddings. Any popular activity pursuit can be mangled into some sort of a wedding ceremony. Bungy Jumping. Parachuting. Snow Boarding. Domestic Violence. …
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