Kiwianarama

Would you like fries with that?

Nobody eats more ketchup than the Kiwis. It’s true. And not just ‘per capita‘ either, for real.

Whether it’s a result of  growing up being spoon fed sentimental pap by Watties’ TV commercials, or simply our national tendency towards a Pie-based food pyramid,  Kiwis consume, on average, 3 times their body weight in tomato sauce every year*.

We are nation of condiment addicts. So bad is our craving, that it is not uncommon for Kiwis to experience a mild to moderate level of withdrawal anxiety, when out dining (especially overseas), if a plate of fries appears without immediate access to sauce. We would rather wait for the chips to go cold, cause an argument with the waiter, or simply walk out in disgust, than eat them naked.

Countless meals in foreign countries have been ruined in this way – followed, predictably, by yet another boring conversation about ‘how much better the restaurants are back in New Zealand’.

About the only dining situation more likely to upset a New Zealander, is when a takeaway outlet is perceived to be committing the gross injustice of  ‘holding out’ on generous, complimentary portions of Ketchup, by supplying, at best, just one of those mean little sachets Chinese-made, ‘tomato-style’ syrup (with the black floaty bits) per person, or, at worst, charging for them.  Such encounters often end in blows, or, at the very least, mild-mannered flag waving and drunken attempts at the Haka.

In an interesting recent development, it has been discovered that Tomatoes, especially to over-ripe ones found in Ketchup, contain high levels of Lycopene, which fights cancer or hemorrhoids or something. As a result, it is now perfectly acceptable to count a large serving of tomato sauce as one of your ‘5 portions a day’ of fruit or veg. Even if it increases your sugar intake by a factor of 10.

However, a word of caution to Kiwis travelling overseas – it is worth spending a little time weaning off the stuff, if you don’t want to come across like a complete dick while trying to make friends with the locals. Sitting alone in the corner of a pub or restaurant, hogging the only bottle of ketchup, with a plate so smothered in sauce that it more closely resembles tomato soup, than steak frites, will garner a lot of strange looks, and not many repeat invitations to dinner.

Better to wait until you’re back in the company of your fellow countryfolk, as most foreigners don’t quite appreciate the subtle, refined art of drowning every dish in a familiar tasting, sweet vinegar/sugar/tomato broth.

To their credit, the Scottish are probably closest to New Zealand in this respect. Although they tend to prefer something called ‘Broon (brown) Sauce’, which is basically HP Sauce stretched out with cheap vinegar, to make it last longer, and cost less. Much less.

It is worth noting, however, that this information is based speculatively on one girl I knew from Glasgow who used to put tomato sauce on her Pizza. And this was mostly because she had no sense of smell.

* – probably