Kiwianarama

You're not in Hollywood anymore, Jake The Muss

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, known as Browns Bay, a pact was signed with the devil, or, at the very least, someone who looked a lot like him.

Until the afternoon of Monday, 25 May 1992,  the received wisdom said that it was simply impossible, both physically and financially, to produce a television show in New Zealand that would last beyond two seasons. But on that fateful date, standing at the mythical crossroads of Glenfield and Wairau Roads, hours before the broadcast of his new soap, Shortland Street, the head of South Pacific Pictures, John Barnett made a bargain with the evil gods of network television, that would guarantee the future of season, after season (after season) of low-rent, locally produced television.

What he didn’t, and couldn’t, realise at the time, was that, by doing so, he had unleashed a terrible curse upon every actor who would ever appear on the show.

And although the curse manifests itself in different ways, for nearly all, it is impossible to escape.

Actors Michael Galvin (Dr Chris Warner), Temuera Morrison (Dr Hone Ropata) and Craig Parker (Guy Warner) have all tried in vain to escape it’s evil clutches. Morrison came close, even appearing in a movie with twice Oscar nominated actress, Pamela Anderson. Craig Parker fronted a few black & white, indie advertisements for global bank ING, in the UK. Michael Galvin just sort of ‘went over seas for a bit’. But all quickly discovered that being world famous in New Zealand, didn’t count for much in the bright lights of the big bad world, and so it was that curse eventually sucked them back, tail between legs and head hanging low, into the only stable gig they knew.

And they are the lucky ones..

For others, the effects of the curse have been more devastating. Karl Burnett (Nick Harrison), despite repeated attempts at downsizing, has suffered incurable bloating, and an addiction to junk food and couches. Theresa Healy (Nurse Carmen Roberts), on the other hand, has been reduced to eeking out a meagre living discovering great ideas such as Kiwi Shaved Meats and Chicken in a Jiffy.

In fact, so powerful is the curse, that it has even been known, in rare cases, to become contagious. Although he did not actually appear on Shortland Street himself, Lee Tamahori caught the curse from Temuera Morrison in 1994, while directing him in Once Were Warriors. Lying dormant for 12 years, the curse matured in 2006, compelling Tamahori to dress up in women’s clothing, walk the streets of Los Angeles, and solicit a police offer for oral sex. (Allegedly).

There have only been a handful of known survivors of the curse, such as Martin Henderson, who, having established a successful career in Hollywood, has felt neither financially nor artistically compelled to resurrect his Shortland Street character, Stuart Neilson. But even Henderson bears the scars of his brush with The Street. An ever so slight, and embarrassing, transpacific mashing of his native Kiwi and adopted US accents, that makes him sound a bit like a Rachel Hunter self-help tape, playing in a Walkman with low batteries.

For everyone else, including local actors on the rise, the curse looms heavy on any career decision. Shortland Street is the only stable, paid gig in a town where it is otherwise pretty much impossible to making a living at the craft. But it comes with a very high price tag.

Of course, you could always try for a role on Outrageous Fortune. There is no known curse attached to that show. There is, however, a very high probability that you’ll end up harbouring the unjustified belief that you are a bit of ‘all that’, just because the show is syndicated on a little watched lifestyle channel on UK cable TV.

In New Zealand’s culture of hard-out Tall Poppy Syndrome, this should, at least, be easier to eventually shake off, than The Curse of Shortland Street, which can well and truly fuck your career for life.

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