Reckless Driving

No nation on earth likes a spot of reckless driving quite like the Kiwis. For a relatively roomy, 1st world country of only 4 million, New Zealand suffers road-rage, gridlock, tail-gating, poor signalling, drink-driving, teenage-racing, and a total lack of respect for other road users, at a level that would make even a Mumbai taxi driver take to public transport. And that’s just the women.

Some attribute it to a legal driving age of 15. Three years before society considers teenagers of sound enough mind to vote, drink or fight for their country, it is happy to see them hurtling round quiet, toddler infested, suburban streets in a half-ton of unforgiving metal.

Others put it down the same the gung-ho, pioneering Kiwi spirit that forged this small nation. Survival of the fittest, everyman for himself, and if you think you’re merging ahead of me after these lights, mate, well, all I’m going to say is, you better have a big old tyre-iron ready for when i come knocking at your driver-side window, outside your house, after following you for 45 kilometres stewing myself up into a mean, angry lather.

Adding to the problem, vehicle insurance is not compulsory in New Zealand. Which means any old prick with enough milk-money to buy a beat up ’74 Ford Laser, could be out there waiting to rip the wing mirror off your nice, new model Audi, before kindly reminding you that, since he’s broke, there’s fuck all you can do about it.

Some tips that might bring Kiwi driving up to par with the rest of the developed world.

  1. Orange means slow down, not speed up.
  2. The hard shoulder does not magically become a passing lane during rush hour.
  3. Indicating after a turn doesn’t really count.
  4. Merge like a zip, not a parade of “God’s Special Children”.
  5. A bus lane is for (drum roll)… buses.
  6. Furiously changing lanes during a traffic jam caused by too much lane changing probably won’t help.
  7. ‘No Right Turn’ signs are not merely helpful suggestions.
  8. You might thing 3cm is enough space for you to react if the car in front suddenly stops, but that’s just one of the many reasons why you’re a cunt.
  9. A big exhaust on a small car, does not a big car make.
  10. I already know, on the other hand, that your Holden/Ford is a big car. You really don’t need to drive it up my arse, to prove it. It simply won’t fit.
  11. It takes only 5 muscles to give a courtesy wave, but it takes 6 months to recover from a nasty bout of Tyre-Iron Road Rage.