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The alternative Kiwipedia…
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Classy lady.
No nation on earth likes a spot of reckless driving quite like the Kiwis. For a relatively roomy, 1st world country of only 4 million, New Zealand suffers road-rage, gridlock, tail-gating, poor signalling, drink-driving, teenage-racing, and a total lack of respect for other road users, at a level that would make even a Mumbai taxi driver take to public transport. And that’s just the women.
A typical Kiwi dinner party.
New Zealand has never quite recovered from the Bob Marley concert at Western Springs, Auckland, in 1979.
Consequently, nothing sets the tone for a kiwi dinner-party or summer BBQ quite like a the sound of 8, white 40-somethings, from the suburbs of Wellington, playing the national music of oppressed-black-nation Jamaica. Only much slower. And without melody or structure.
(15 votes, average: 2.87 out of 5)
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A common New Zealand surname.
Aotearoa. The ‘Land of the Long Flat Vowel’. Universally famous for our monotone, deadpan accent. Flat, front-of-the-mouth mangling of syllables, consonants, and the dropping of the letter ‘R’ at the end of words. Just listen to our Prime Minister, John Key, the next time he bungles the word ‘Opportunity’ (he does it rather a lot, but in case you were wondering, it sounds like ‘Opchoontee’).
Odd then, that almost every Kiwi makes such a commendable effort to pronounce words perfectly in every other language, with particular sensitivity to Maori and Pacific Island languages, even if sometimes it makes them sound like a bit of a dick.
This is particularly the case with weather presenters, and can be observed nightly during our Frequent Weather Reports.
(13 votes, average: 4.92 out of 5) Loading ...
That'd look good on a T-Shirt.
As an expression of Kiwi individuality and identity, there’s nothing better than copying other Kiwis and scarring your arms, torso, ankle or (for the real hard-outs) neck and face with a ‘sort-of-pacific‘ design, picked from the wall of a K Road tattoo-parlour, after 15 cans of Lion Red and a double-dare, on your 21st birthday.
As a rule, the more likely that the tattoo will look horrifically out-of-place on either a) your wedding day, b) an important job interview some years later, or c) your sagging skin when you are a grandparent, the better.
I knew Kermit before he was famous.
According to Māori mythology, Taniwha are supernatural creatures – some terrifying, others protective – that live in deep pools in rivers, dark caves, or in the sea. Apparently, they also have views on public roading strategy.
Don't upset the talent.
Small to medium sized Kiwi businesses just can’t seem to get enough of badly produced, low-rent TV commercials featuring themselves, their staff, or an immediate family member. And while she might be the apple of your eye, mate, with a face like a badly-healed motorcycle injury, your darling daughter is unlikely to shift a lot of budget leather sofas.
Show them where you're from.
Nothing informs the world of wearer’s modest Kiwi patriotism better than a printed T-Shirt with words or images cleverly rearranged into the shape of New Zealand. Ironic, then, that 99% of these are worn exclusively in this country only.
It is simply not on.
Irony has often been a bit of a struggle for Kiwis. We have a hard time making fun of ourselves. About the only thing more unbearable, is when other people make fun of us. That is simply not on.
Do they know who we are yet?
Few phrases, uttered by respected international media pundits, excite Kiwis more than; “This will really put New Zealand on the map…”
Long hiding in the geographical and cultural shadow of Australia (the 1980s, at the peak of ‘Crocodile Dundee-mania’, was a particularly dark time for New Zealand), Kiwis are forever searching for people, ideas or events to support – sometimes to the point of scary, national obsession – which might truly focus the eyes of the world onto our fledgling, self-conscious islands.
A book of stuff you don't own.
Nobody actually eats Hokey Pokey Ice Cream, and they certainly don’t buy it from a Four Square. Watties’ Tomato Sauce tastes like bubble gum, and comes from Australia anyway. The Buzzee Bee is a shit toy – kids today just want to shoot hookers, in 47 inch plasma hi-definition, on Grand Theft Auto III.
Kiwiana, therefore, is not the love of any actual objects. It is, rather, the love of nostalgia towards objects most of us no longer give a toss about.
Identity Anxiety.
Closely linked with ‘Taking Ourselves Seriously‘, a trait unique to the Kiwi psyche is the need for constant, positive reinforcement about just how great a country it is. This is probably because, deep down, most Kiwis have a niggling fear that it might actually be a bit shit.
Like NZ, but better.
Kiwi’s just can’t get enough of New Zealand. They love it. So long as they don’t have to live there.
Our favorite destination to leave to, and never return, is Australia. This suits us well, because kiwis don’t like to stand out (see article ‘The Colour Black‘), and Australia is basically the same as New Zealand, only warmer, bigger and richer.
Black. Is it the new black?
Modest to the point of peity, Kiwis consider it a sin to ’stand out’ too much, be it in fashion, opinions, or lifestyle. And nothing blends into the background better than the colour black.
Black is everywhere in New Zealand. Or rather, bright colour is nowhere to be found. Clothing stores can’t get enough of it. It is the colour of all our national sports teams. Even the cricket team – who compulsorily wear white – call themselves the ‘Black Caps’.
(12 votes, average: 4.92 out of 5) Loading ...
Romance in the vaseline.
Kiwis are a pretty adventurous bunch when it comes to weddings. Any popular activity pursuit can be mangled into some sort of a wedding ceremony. Bungy Jumping. Parachuting. Snow Boarding. Domestic Violence. But by far the most popular outdoor destination for tying the knot, is the Kiwi Beach.
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